The Secret Life of the AllAkatsuki Crack Head
by Bubbles of Ebil
Summary: Okay, so we all know that the members of Akatsuki are a little messed up in the head, right? But that's why we love them... So, I'm here to tell you all what happens to our favorite crazy, yet loveable cult-like group in secret. Warning: Crack Fic!
1. Fuckin Unicorns and their Fuckin Singing

Welcome to The Secret Life of the All-Akatsuki Crack Head. I started writing one about Kisame, but inspiration hit me and, well, beggars can't be choosers. I would've rather had been hit with a plot bunny about Kisame, but… Well, you'll see. I suppose this is a sequel to The Quiet Ones. I sort of hit a dead end there. Couldn't quite think of any more Naruto character's that were quiet (Actually, now that I finished this, I have thought of a few, so I might go back and add a few chapters about them in The Quiet Ones. Don't worry, if I do, I promise to let you all know in a footnote or something). And, I didn't want to leave all my beloved reviewers hanging, so I've decided to continue with bothering the Akatsuki! :D After this, I'll probably move onto torturing and bothering other characters.

Disclaimer: Nothing is owned by me, therefore there is no need to worry about me ruining the world and causing it to explode with sugar and crack-ness.

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Fuckin' Unicorns and their Fuckin' Singing!

* * *

It's was a rather normal day for Kakuzu and Hidan. They were on their way back to the base after a long mission- actually, it was pretty short and easy, but Kakuzu turned in a bounty and… well, story of my life.

As they jumped branch to branch, Kakuzu paused, staring into the brush, ignoring Hidan.

"Hurry up, bastard! My fucking show is on and I'll be damned if I fucking miss it because of you, fucker!" Hidan whined, stomping his foot in his little hissy fit.

Kakuzu glared at the Jashin worshiper. "Nobody cares about you or your soap operas. So, shut the fuck up before I ram your stupid ass scythe up your asshole."

With that, Kakuzu headed in the direction he had stared at, leaving a shocked Hidan to stutter out incoherent curse words. It wasn't long before Hidan recovered, racing after Kakuzu.

"I'm going to fucking sacrifice you to Jashin-sama."

"You can try," Kakuzu replied with an apathetic murmur.

Suddenly, Kakuzu stopped causing Hidan to slam into his partner.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?" Hidan cursed at Kakuzu.

He would have continued, if he had the chance to, but, alas, Kakuzu wrapped his creepy black threads of darkness around Hidan's head, squeezing it, the threat of Hidan's head getting popped off constantly there with the pressure of Kakuzu's tendrils.

Without Hidan screaming his head off, he was able to hear what Kakuzu was hearing.

"_Don't call me horse,"_ a group of voices floated to them from the distance, accompanied by a strange, technologic-type music. _"I'm a unicorn!"_

Kakuzu exchanged a look of confusion with Hidan. Hidan shrugged and made some obscene gestures that caused Kakuzu to release him.

"Dear Jashin! I fucking swallowed a fucking fly because of you, bastard!"

Sending him a warning glare, Hidan shut his trap for a few moments.

"_Mystical, magical, mysterious, not plain; got wings like Pegasus and a nice, white coat; I grant wishes and prance, in the rain. U… N… I…C…O…R…N… that's Unicorn."_

"Should we follow it?" Hidan questioned, truly curious.

Kakuzu nodded. "If unicorns are truly behind this stupid song, then we should search for them. They could rake me in a huge bounty."

"Is that all you ever fucking think about?! Money? You, stupid bastard! Religion's where it's at. Those fucking unicorns would really fucking please Jashin-sama. He's never gotten such a fucking pure sacrifice before."

Without a reply, Kakuzu set off towards the song, Hidan immediately setting off after him.

"_U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N, yeah. U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N. U-N-I-C-O-R-N."_

When they arrived… well, when they spotted the source of the song, they froze, baffled. In the middle of the clearing, a plethora of white horses with horns and wings, of all shapes and sizes, prancing about, singing.

"_I'm a unicorn, 8000 B.C. Noah's arc wasn't built before me! I'm friends with dragons, Bob Saget, you think I'm not real? Full House! I'm in the background, fool! Eating grass all day, party all night, I'll grant your wishes right before your eyes! I'm hiding in your hills; eating your apples, drinking water, writing facts on your Snapples!"_

"What the fuck is a 'Snapples'?"

"Perhaps it is what gives these creatures their powers of magical-ality."

"…Magical-ality?"

"The Authoress ate too much candy."

"Ah. Dumb bitch."

**(Me: STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL! Damn bastards.)**

By this time, the mythical creatures stared at the ninja's with wide eyes, each frozen in their dance positions.

Hidan whipped out his scythe. "Prepare to be sacrificed to Jashin-sama, ya dumb-ass horse creatures!"

Kakuzu didn't speak, though he had been prepared to. What stopped him? The death glares and dark aura's escaping these 'pure' creatures.

The unicorn in the middle of all the others, rolled it's eyes and gave a delicate whinny, tossing it's mane, though none of the strands of hair got caught in the crown upon its head.

"Did you not listen to the song? Now, you're in for it!" The voice of the creature was surprisingly deep.

Hidan rolled it's eyes. "I'm immortal, you fucking horse thing. I know you can't be a unicorn because first of all, you have fucking wings… and aren't unicorns supposed to be all girly and shit?"

"HOW DARE YOU!? I AM KING OF THE UNICORN PEOPLE!" Smoke bellowed out of the nostrils of the "King of the Unicorn People" and his eyes had flames in them.

"Oh shit," Kakuzu muttered, making a hands sign and disappearing in a poof of smoke.

"WTF!? Kakuzu, I'M GOING TO KILL YOUUUUUU!!"

"ATTACK!!!"

"AHHHHHHHH!" Hidan's shrieks rang though the entire forest, causing Kakuzu, wherever he was, to flinch and snicker at Hidan's misfortune, all at the same time.

Poor Hidan. He never stood a chance. Of course, he didn't die, that would be too easy; besides, he was immortal. Whenever someone mentioned the words "unicorn"… let's just say it would take a loooonnnnggggg time before Hidan would ever be deemed "okay."

Moral of the story?? Don't call a unicorn a horse. Or, sometimes it pays to be a coward like Kakuzu and run away from creatures that initially seem girly…

* * *

I know it probably could've been better. This is most likely weirder than it is funny, but alas, I really don't give a shit, let alone two shits. This is more for my entertainment than anything. I need something to keep my strange-ness at bay. I'll try to make the next one funnier for you guys, though.

Another thing I would like to mention, yes, the song above is a real song. It's "Unicorn" By 1800 Zombie. It's rather entertaining and the source of my plot bunny.

If anyone has ANY ideas for me, please share. I know kind of how I'm going to do Kisame's thing and I have a slight idea for Deidara, but I'm not exactly sure how anyone else's going to go. Most likely one of my bestest biffle's will enlighten me.

Also, if you spot any mistakes/errors, please do not pay them too much attention. I'm not re-reading this until I post it, in fear of spotting something that makes me want to scrap this entire thing and put it off and never ever never ever go back to it. Which wouldn't be fair to you guy. And it's something that I would actually do because I'm rarely happy with anything I do, do… Hehe… do-do….

Thank's for tuning in, and please bear with me. I'll try updating my Thursday. Most of the next chapter's already complete.

With much love,

Bubbles of Ebil


	2. Save Our Earth?

Author's Note: Why, I feel loved ^_^ I just want give a shout out to **Sabaku No Ko-chan** and **Yuti-Chan****.** Thank you for reviewing. Because of you two, I felt inspired to finish writing this chapter. I hope you all enjoy.

Disclaimer: Me own-y NOTHING! Except that strange little girl. Her, I own.

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Save our Earth?

* * *

Finally.

This was the only thing running through the head of a man he trudge down a path, a pack filled with supplies on his back. The man would have appeared to have been a normal traveler, had it not been for the blue skin, the gill-like markings on his cheek, his golden eyes, his freakish height, and the massive sword with bandages wrapped around what would be the blade that was attached to his back (over the pack).

For those of you that have not yet realized, yes. This blue man was, is, and always will be Kisame Hoshigaki, former ninja of Kirigakure and once one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, currently a member of the Akatsuki **(Me: DUH!! .)**. Now, what in God's name is Kisame doing?? You may ask.

Kisame Hoshigaki was going on a well deserved vacation to, wait for it, The Waterfall Village. Yes, my dears. The Waterfall Village. Don't question it… just go along with it. Anyways, Kisame was trudging down the path when a girl that was standing aside the road with a sign in her hand caught his attention. Naturally, he slowed down from his brisk pace to a leisurely walk to read the sign.

"**SAVE OUR EARTH!"** Complete with a little picture of the blue and green sphere with a big smiley face on it.

Cocking a brow, the blue man gave the girl a once over: she, herself, was very short- barely reaching his elbow. She had short, wild blue hair that stuck out in every which way, bright green eyes, and very pale skin. She was dressed in pale blue pants with rips in them _everywhere_ and a dark green tunic shirt with a bunch of buttons pinned to the cloth; she had no shoes on, but she did have fingerless, hobo gloves. Around the neck, the girl wore a bunch of chains, and Kisame was unable to differ each chain from another.

Rolling his eyes, he is about to pass the girl when something grabs his hand. His eyes snap down to the appendage to see the strange girl hanging off it.

"Take me to Pandora."

"What?" Kisame cocked a brow, staring at the girl in confusion.

"You're blue, you have golden eyes, and you're massive. You're a Na'vi, obviously sent from Pandora to find me and take me to your home planet."

Okay, this girl was completely off her rocker. Kisame opened his mouth to speak, but the girl cut him off.

"Wait a moment… Are those… gills?"

Kisame's temple twitched, beginning to protest, but, again, the girl cut him off.

"Oh, my…" Realization flashed in the girls eyes and Kisame could only assume she realized who he was. "You must be a crossbreed!"

So he was wrong.

"Your father must be a Na'vi while your mother must be a shark!! It would explain your blue skin _and_ your shark-like qualities… Yes, this makes perfect sense. After all, you _do_ have gills and razor sharp teeth…"

Obviously this girl has never heard of a bloodline limit. Once again, Kisame tried to speak, but the girl continued without allowing him a word.

"But, where's your tail…? Hm… That must be one of the side effects of not being a complete Na'vi native. Though, that might mean you… Hey, do you have two penises? I heard sharks have two penises. I also heard that shark penises have hooks on them… Ouch, that seems painful…"

Kisame's face flooded with red, causing his skin to turn into a dark purple hue, both from anger and embarrassment at this girl's mouth. What the hell? She had such a huge mouth and she was shameless and annoying! In an attempt to escape the girl, Kisame began to walk, however, the girl simply followed, her sign abandoned in the side of the road.

Out of nowhere, she pulled out a bento box and opens it beginning to eat its contents with her hands. Kisame glances at it out of the corner of his eyes. It is filled with sushi. Of course.

The girl looks up at him, chewing on the sushi, swallowing and popping another in her mouth. Kisame gives her an odd look as she managed to put away nearly twenty pieces of sushi in a mere three minutes. Without offering any to him. How rude.

The girl dropped the bento box and continued walking with him. Kisame was about to open his mouth to comment that for someone so obsessed with "saving their planet" that she would stand on the side of the road, she was terrible at throwing things in a garbage can. However, as we all know, the girl interrupted him, covering her mouth with her hands, giving a loud gasp, eyes huge.

"Oh my goodness!"

Kisame prayed that she was remember that she had somewhere else to be at the moment. No such luck.

"Did I just eat your cousins?! I'm _so_ sorry!" She patted his elbow, and he stared at her awkwardly. "I offer you my condolences, but, as you know, there are many fish in the sea, and you'll be able to find new cousins."

Not bothering to explain to her what the concept of_ a family_ was, nor to correct her by saying that is not how that phrase would be used, Kisame quickened his pace.

"_Yo, listen up!__ Here's the story about a little guy that lives in a blue world, and all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him. Inside and outside. Blue his house with a blue little window and a blue corvette and everything is blue for him and his-self and everybody around cause he ain't got nobody to listen."_

Kisame twitched. That song _never_ got old. Please, note the sarcasm.

"_I'm blue da ba dee dabba die dabba dee dabba die dabba dee dabba die dabba dee dabba die dabba dee dabba die dabba dee dabba dieee~ I'm blue-"_

"If you don't shut the **fuck** up, I'll kill you with Samehada."

"What? That… _thing_? It looks like a giant tampon."

"Why you little—WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!? AHH!"

The little strange girl with an obvious mental illness had thrown red paint _all_ over his beloved weapon, and was now on the floor, rolling about, laughing her dumb little arse off.

"Don't get your panties in a knot. Haha, you're hormones are obviously all over the place because of your womanly monthly issue!!"

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING **KILL **YOU!!"

"Oh, would you look at the time! Grandmother's expecting me. I've got to rid her home of nargles."

The strange girl skips off leaving Kisame confused and angry, a red-splattered Samehada still held over his head.

"Nargles…?"

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Authors Notes: Yes, nargles. I really did have to go there. I hope all you readers out there at least giggled at this. I don't require reviews because I know I'll end up updating anyways, but they are nice. They make "my little corner of the world" a much better place. And, yes. I did take that from that one guy on Judge Judy who was a complete flake and airhead.

Bubbles of Ebil


	3. Glee and Wood Buddies

**Author's Note:** Okay, Don't hate me for being a week late, or for it being so short. I really do apologize. AP Exams and such. I hope you understand. Okay, let me comment on something I said last chapter. I said I didn't need comments to post, as I am proving, and I am sticking by that. I just want to point out that it will probably inspire me and cause me to update a lot faster. Now that I put that out there, please enjoy!!

**Disclaimer:** Nothing is owned by me, Bubbles of Ebil… Well, except maybe wood-buddy.

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Glee and Wood Buddies

* * *

Hidan squinted at the male with the golden blonde hair spilling over his shoulders and into his face, cocking his head as if her were trying to decipher some great mystery. Deidara, who was trying to focus on Glee, felt Hidan's stare. He attempted to ignore it, his eyebrow's twitching.

…

…

…

"Are you sure you're not a girl?" Hidan questioned, breaking the silence.

The temperature in the room dropped a few degrees as Deidara turned his head to glare at Hidan.

"Excuse me, yeah?" His tone was frightening, but Hidan was too much of a dumbass to realize this as he repeated his question.

"Are you sure. You're not. A girl?" Hidan repeated, slowly.

Deidara's temple ticked as he blew up. "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!"

Hidan shrugged. "Well, since your ponytail snapped, you look more like a girl, so I have to ask."

Exhaling angrily, Deidara muttered something along the lines of 'I'm going to kill that asshole, yeah.'

"What??"

Deidara glared at Hidan. "No, yeah."

"So you **are** a girl??"

"NO! Yeah…"

"Damn it! Make up your fucking mind. Are you a fucking chick or aren't you?!"

"No, I'm not a girl, yeah!"

"Fucking… You should fucking go to a speech therapist. You really could fucking confuse people.

"…" Deidara rolled his eyes and turned back to the television, raising the volume as if it would be able to help him ignore Hidan.

Instead of finding the remote in his hands, however, he found a piece of wood with a badly drawn happy face drawn on it with crayon.

"WHAT THE FUCK, YEAH?!"

Hidan snickered, waving the remove at Deidara. "Tch, Loser."

Just as the Jashin-worshiper was leaning back into the couch, surfing through the channels, he heard a word that caused him to pale and gulp. He turned his head to Deidara who was smirking victoriously.

"W-What did you s-say…?"

"I said… UNICORNS!!!" Deidara yelled, pointing behind Hidan.

Throwing the remote at Deidara, Hidan raced out of the room like a bat out of hell, shrieking like a little girl. Deidara smirked, switching back his show, snapping the wood in his hands, and throwing the piece of wood out of the open window.

From below, one could hear a pained yelp followed by a piercing cry of: "Nuuuu!!! Wood-Buddy!!" that sounded excruciating similar to Sasori.

Deidara raced to the window, peeking out to see Sasori glaring up at Deidara. "**YOU!!** You killed **my wood-buddy**!! He was my first puppet!!"

"Tch… Like that was actually your first puppet," Deidara rolled his eyes.

"He **was**!!" Sasori hugged the plank of wood to his chest.

Were… Were those tears in Sasori's eyes?? But… wasn't he a puppet??

Deidara shook it off. "You can just draw another face on another piece of wood, yeah."

"I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!"

Now it was fire…? What the hell…?

"Oh shit… WAIT FOR ME, HIDAN!!"

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**Author's Note: **Like I said earlier, I don't need comments to update, but know that if you do review, it's probable that I will update faster.


	4. Pinocchio and Sasori’s Dollies

**Author's Note: **I would like to thank **Bhel-Elryss** for reviewing (and I would like to say: yes, poor Sasori… Bet you still laughed at his misfortune XD just kidding… kind of… lol). I really should be studying for AP tests, but I decided to update. This is for you Enjoy~!

**Disclaimer:** I own NOTHING! How many times do I have to say that? Gosh…

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Pinocchio and Sasori's Dollies

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Sasori was sitting on his bed (which constantly left Deidara wondering why the hell he had one if he never needs to sleep), sniffled and glued his wood-buddy back together using Elmer's glue… Only thing is, the pieces kept detaching themselves from each other. Why wasn't he using wood glue?? Well, let's just say the last time he used wood glue he ended up gluing his hand to his head.

He had finally managed to keep the pieces from falling apart… when Deidara and Tobi burst into his room. Note the key word: **his** room. Now, despite the fact that he was a puppet, does not mean he could not feel emotions. He was no Nobody (1).

With the fire of anger and hatred of a thousand burning suns in his eyes, he glared at the duo. "What do you want?"

"Deidara-sempai told me…" Tobi began, eyes wide, waving his arms around frantically.

"I was JOKING, yeah!!"

"that you are Pinocchio!! Does that mean you were telling the truth when you said Tobi wasn't a good boy?!"

"D-Don't listen to him, danna. SHUT UP, TOBI!!" Deidara hissed.

Sasori blinked, glare intensifying.

"No. I'm not Pinocchio, bu-"

"YAY! TOBI'S A GOOD BOY!" Tobi instantly began to jump up and down in place, clapping his hands over-enthusiastically. "GOOD BOY, GOOD BOY, GOOD BOY!"

"Guys…" Sasori began, but he went unheard.

"SHUT UP, BITCH! Don't make me shove my foot up your ass!" Deidara shouted at Tobi, smacking him upside the head, trying to ignore the intense glare Sasori was giving him, even though it was become more and more difficult.

Tobi sighed and crossed his arms, wagging his finger at Deidara. "Dei-Dei-sempai, do you think your mother would approve of your language?"

"Guys-" Sasori tried again.

"Tobi is a BAD BOY! DON'T CALL ME A DEI-DEI!"

"WAHH!! Tobi's a good boy!!"

"ARG! GUYS!"

Both men turn their gaze to Sasori (well, we can only assume Tobi did- can't see jack because of his mask). "…?"

"Shut the fuck up and get out of my room."

"BUT…!" Tobi exclaimed. "Tobi wants to play with Sasori's dollies!"

"They're not dolls. They're works of at."

"Bullshit, yeah. Art is a bang, un!"

"Please!!!"

"No, Tobi. And, no, Deidara. Art is eternal."

"Art's a BANG, yeah!"

"Pretty, pretty please!"

"NO, Tobi! ART IS ETERNAL!"

"Eternal my ass! Your art is shit! Even your wood-buddy agreed with me! Hmph, he's snapped in half, yeah."

"PRETTY PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!"

"ASS WIPE! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO BROKE HIM!"

"And I regret NOTHING, un!"

"Pretty pretty please with whipped cream and cherries and ice cream and all the candy in the world!! For all that is good and pure PLAY DOLLS WITH ME!!"

"Fine! You can play with my 'dollies,' but for the love of Kami, SHUT UP! They're in the chest at the end of my bed."

"Psht, dolls are for little girls," Tobi rolled his eyes (well, it **sounded** like he did) and proceeded to skip out of the room.

Deidara glanced at Tobi and then at Sasori and then back at Tobi's retreating figure… and promptly burst out laughing.

"Shut up and get out of my room or else…"

"Or else, what, yeah??"

"Or else I'll tell everyone that you're involved with Tobi."

"… Art is a bang, yeah…"

"GET. OUT!"

And Sasori promptly threw the remains at Deidara, who squealed like a girl, picked up the edges of his uniform, and bolted out of the room.

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**Author's Note: **Like I said, I'm not going to grovel for reviews, but I do appreciate them. Make me update a lot faster and what not… Besides, if you review, I'll post your name and I'll try to answer to your review every time I update. I don't know about you, but I do feel special when I read a story with my pen name showing up lol.

Kingdom Hearts reference :3


	5. The Truth Behind the Uchiha Massacre

**Authors Note:** Alrighty, I have a few shout-outs this chapter. Sonar- Why thank you :) I'm glad you like my story! Bhel-Elryss- Hehe, yes. Yes they do. Tobi was just having a moment of confusion. I guess he forgot this little fact XD. Kitty Uchiha- Thank you so much! I also prefer SasoDei to DeiTobi. I guess I didn't clarify this last time, so I'll clarify it now: When Sasori threatened to tell people that Deidara was involved with Tobi, he wasn't implying that Deidara had a secret relationship with Tobi. He just said that to get Deidara out of his room. Deidara just didn't want a rumor getting around that he was with Tobi, because he wasn't. To all my readers and reviewers- You guys made my day a little brighter. Again, thank you guys so much. I hope you enjoy this chapter!!

**Disclaimer:** [Insert witty disclaimer here]

The Truth Behind the Uchiha Massacre

The day started off fairly normal for Itachi. He got up at half past nine, slipped his furry weasel slippers on, grabbed a bottle of black nail polish in one hand, and shuffled into the kitchen.

The only other person in the kitchen was Zetsu, who was playing Go Fish by himself, his white half arguing with his black half, saying that he had cheated. Not questioning it, Itachi unconsciously took a seat next to Zetsu's white side.

"**You racist asshat!"**

This comment made Itachi glance up, bleary eyed and confused. "Ehh…?"

"Shh… Be nice…"

"**Hell nah! He ALWAYS sits next to you! It's not fair!! NO ONE LIKES ME!"**

"Perhaps, is you didn't eat so much meat- and by meat, I mean people- you would have more friends," Itachi suggests, butting in.

Zetsu glanced over at him, neither side speaking.

"I'm serious! Listen, I can refer you to someone. He's a genius! He'll, like, totally help you get rid of your negative energy so you won't have to take your happy pills every morning… Which reminds me: Did you take them this morning??"

Zetsu remained silent, blinking at him for a moment. Finally, his white side spoke up.

"That'd be great."

"**Fuck that! I'm not seeing a fucking shrink!"**

"Please! It might really help our or relationship…" The white side pleaded.

"…**Fine…"**

Itachi brightened. "Great! Here's a number…" He scratches a name and number on a scrap of paper.

Zetsu took the scrap and tucked it safely in his pocket. "Thank you."

Zetsu got up to leave the room, when Tobi ran inside, a tub of weed killed in his hands. Naturally, Tobi bumped into Zetsu and dropped it all over him.

"Oh, no! Tobi's_ so_ sorry!!"

"**FUCK! AHHH! IT BURRNNNSSSS!"**

Zetsu bolted out of the room like hell was at his heels… or however that phrase goes.

Itachi blinked at Tobi. "Why'd you do that to Zetsu-kun?"

Tobbi shrugged before brightening. "Tobi got Itachi-san a present!!"

Itachi's face lit up because, after all, who didn't like a good gift now and then?? "A present!?"

Tobi handed a poorly wrapped bundle with bright pink cloth peeking out through tears in the paper to Itachi, who promptly ripped the paper to shreds, holding the cloth up. It was a bright pink Akatsuki cloak with black hearts all over it. Itachi squealed and hugged the cloth to his chest, beaming up at Tobi.

"Thank you~! This will really bring out my eyes!!"

"You are welcome, Itachi-san. Now, Tobi wants to ask you a question, but please do not get angry at Tobi."

Itachi slipped the cloak on over his pajamas, "Okay, shoot."

"Why'd you kill your clan??"

"Well, I told Sasuke that it was because I wanted to test myself, or whatever… but it was really because my father erased all my soaps from the TiVo _and_ he ate my pocky."

"Why?"

"I don't know… my dada was an ass??"

"Why?"

"Hmm… Maybe it was because my mother wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole…"

"Why?"

"I don't know… perhaps she had a lover…?"

"Why?"

"Probably because my dad was such an ass…"

"Why?"

"We already went over this. Maybe it was because my mother wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole."

"Why?"

"I don't know!"

"Why?"

"Gah~!" Itachi got up to leave, but Tobi stopped him.

"Just one more thing…"

"What… is it?"

"Well… Sasuke is alive…"

"So,,,?"

"You missed a spot…"

"…" Itachi didn't respond, his eyebrow twitching.

"Well, Tobi's not complaining… It's obvious that Sasuke got all the good looks. I mean, that hair is _so_ last century!"

Itachi's eyes welled with tears as he pointed an accusatory finger at Tobi. "MEANIE!!" He exclaimed before rushing out of the room.

Tobi snickered and picked up the forgotten nail polish on the table. "Hehe… Now Tobi doesn't have to buy any. Kakuzu-san would be so proud!!"

I was sooo going to end it here, but I got nibbled by a small plot bunny that would've been too short to put by itself, so here you all are, from the kindness of my heart (gigglesnort XD)

Zetsu sat on the plushy couch, facing the eccentric old man that was seated across from him. He blinked at the old man as he scribbled things down on a notepad.

"Ahem…"

The old man glanced up. "Yess??"

"Well… I am curious as to…"

"**What the fuck you're writing..."**

"You see… I haven't said anything."

The old man grinned. "well, I'm drawing kitty cats!"

Zetsu's eyes brightened. "Can I see??"

"NO! My kitties!"

Zetus pouted and all was silent for a few minutes when the old man placed his pencil and pad down.

"Anyways. I have a few questions I would like to ask you."

Zetsu nodded towards the old man, signaling him to continue.

"One: Why do you wear a plant? Two: Why is it wilting?"

"Well, Tobi (**That fucker**) spilled weed killer all over me. And-"

"Ahh… I see…"

"I haven't told you why I wear a plant…"

It's not important. What is important is this: I hear that you're a cannibal."

Zetsu nodded at the old man.

"Well, as of right now, you are not allowed to eat meat! You're pretty fat, you know…"

Black Zetsu's glare intensified as White Zetsu gave a whimper and began to cry. Immediately… Black Zetsu gobbled the old man up. As he licked his fingers, he smirked.

"Only I get to make me cry, bitch!"

"Awwhhh!!"

Zetsu hugged himself and all was well… well, for them, at least.

**Author's Notes:** And that, is that I had fun writing this, if I may say so myself. Next update might take a while. AP tests start next week -_- I'll try to get a few updates out, though. Also, May 20-23 I'll be in NYC! :D Can't wait… unfortunately, that means no updating for me. I'll try updating before I go because, even though I'll have WiFi in the hotel, I doubt I'll have time to update there. Anywhooo… tah-tah fer naow!!


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